Breath enters and leaves. The tightness in your chest uncontrollable. Trembling. Dark. The water builds, the pressure becoming too hard to hold back. My heart is booming, quickly picking up pace. The tears roll down my cheeks, signifying the release of pain…. The self induced pain created by my brain.
It’s so frustrating. It’s so frustrating, feeling hopeless, sad, unproductive, and stressed on an almost daily basis. It’s waking up feeling strong and motivated, and drifting into a deep feeling of impending doom. The worst part is, most of these fears are in my head. Scenarios my mind has created while running rampant. My chest tightens, my jaw clenches, and my heart feels like it might explode. These scenarios and thoughts are oppressive, they aren’t me. However, it’s tortured me since I can remember. I remember struggling with fear and anxieties since I was a little kindergartener. Some thought it was a phase, but it wasn’t. It’s felt permanent.
It’s a constant battle. One I don’t want to lose, so I get up and fight for my happiness every single day. It doesn’t always feel like it’s working but I don’t know what else to do except to keep pushing forward. I want to be set free. Free from the pain, and the darkness. That’s where running comes in. It is so far one of the only things I can do where I truly feel free. People don’t understand why I wanted to run for 12 hours straight last summer. This is why. I wanted to know what it would feel like to be free for a whole day. Free from the anxiety and free from the depression.
en·dure
/inˈd(y)o͝or,enˈd(y)o͝or/
verb
- suffer (something painful or difficult) patiently.
The word endure holds a lot of weight in my heart. I am an endurance runner. Running on the trails in the mountains, allows me to breathe while I process. Running for hours allows my mind to think while my body is physically moving forward. One foot in front of the other. I think running unconsciously forces my mind and thoughts to move forward with my body. The reason I’m in love with running ultra marathons is simply because I love the process. I love going on runs for a few hours several times a week. It’s exploring the outdoors and the trails, while also exploring the depths of my mind. It’s therapeutic. More than that, it’s rewarding. It’s incredible to cross the finish line after months of training. It’s empowering, something no one can take away from you.
There’s a lot of physical pain with running ultra marathons. Your legs hurt so incredibly much as they start to feel like bricks, but you have no choice but to suffer patiently. Much like my daily battle with anxiety, I have no choice but to do what I can to help it, and suffer patiently. The difference is I am in control of the suffering when it comes to ultra marathons. Additionally, suffering from daily anxiety and depression hurts more than ultras. Being able to control it is empowering and freeing. Being in control of my life and happiness is what I crave.
Rob Krar is an ultra runner I really identify with. While he is one of the greats in this sport, he is extremely humble. I highly recommend you watch the video above. While it talks about men’s mental health, it honestly is relatable for anyone who experiences this same depression.
I’m writing this with not much else to say. What I know is this, don’t be afraid to talk about it, don’t be afraid to get professional counseling, and just keep getting up and fighting every day. I’m in this fight with you, you are not alone in this experience. I know how much it sucks and hurts, but I know that God is good. Honestly, it’s a long process one I’ve been on for 15 years. But I continue to develop a better understanding about what I’m thinking or feeling and why that’s occurring. Being able to self analyze and breakdown why you are feeling the way you feel, really allows you to understand what’s going on, and from there you can work on coping and finding a solution to feeling better.
It’s interesting, I composed this post months ago, and now I’ve come back to it. I can say that the intensity comes and goes with seasons of life. When I wrote this originally I was in a darker place. Months later after doing everything in my power to take care of myself, I am in a much better place. That being said, I know I will most likely return at some point to that darker place, as seasons of life come and go. However, every time I make it to a season of relief, It reassures me that when I hit a season of darkness that a season of relief and peace will soon follow.
I wanted to go ahead and list a few things that have allowed me to cope naturally with my Anxiety and Depression:
1) Meditation and Deep Breathing – Give Headspace a Try or Guided Meditations on Youtube
2) DoTerra Essential Oils – This brand is 100% pure plant oil and they can break the blood brain barrier and interact with neurotransmitters (I could go on about the science and benefits of it all day long)
3) Professional Counseling
4) Running, Weight Lifting, Just any daily physical activity
5) Keeping a healthier diet of protein, fruits, vegetables, etc.
I’m here to tell you it’s a lifelong battle of learning, but I promise the more you work at it and take care of yourself, the easier it gets. You are in control, capable, and loved by so many. You got this and I’m right there with you!
1 Peter 5:7 “ Cast all your Anxiety on Him, for He Cares for You”
Originally Written in 2018.
